Thick Skin

I smiled and I felt my lip split open So long It had gone Without joy that I forgot And I could taste the blood Full of silence Swallow a smile, swallow a couple tears It really makes no difference here In my mind everything stings Rubbing alcohol on open wounds "It won't hurt that bad, I swear" But I can feel my veins collpasing I can feel my heart swell My eyes grow heavy My mind comes alive with questions Why, why, wy Do they all come running Just to round the bases I turn the hot water up in the shower Because the burning of my skin Feels like punishment for my sin And a requiem Of sharp objects There are oceans in my eyes Waging wars with every passing ship To sink, to uproot every anchor To stretch every sail With a heavy gust of wind As I blow away everything that is dear to me Until there is nothing left But the essence of me When you strip away The charming waves Of this deadly sea

On the edge of the ocean you'll find her The valley in front and the river behind her She walks barefoot wherever she goes Got freedom in her soul and sand in her toes She's a gypsy. Everybody loves her she feels like home When you're with her you can never be alone She makes you laugh, makes you smile She'll steal your heart and keep it for a while She's a thief. She takes her time to do what she pleases She'll sit and be still or go where the breeze is She is the sunshine warm on the skin And she's a summer lake you'd be happy to drown in She's an ocean. Deep and wide and full of wonder She will lift you up and take you under And she'll only tell you what she thinks you oughta know If you're lucky enough to know what's below Then you'll see She's a gypsy She's a thief She's an ocean She's a laugh, a smile, a sweet child.

Love can do terrible, awful things Oh the heartache it leaves When nothing ever works out the way it seems It should And I remember standing where you stood Wondering how this person I gave my soul to Could be so mean and I too Was appalled at the things she said And she got into my head With all of these lies That it was my fault-that my mistakes made our demise And it was too big a burden to carry So I cut it out when it got scary How could I throw away The one thing that I wanted to stay And the burden is still much to heavy So I levy It onto the shoulders of others Hoping it bothers Someone else other than me But all it does is create a distance so far I can't even see How bad I've been mistreating The person who is leaving me. I'm blinded by repeat offenders By great pretenders That say they won't be the same That they won't play the game But I've been here before And I know what's in store For us now.

I wish I were translucent That light could penetrate the absent Spaces in my skin I wish I could let the light get in I wish that I said things even when they hurt me I wish so hard that the weight of honesty Outweighed the silence that haunts me But my lungs lose their integrity When you speak And my heart-fickle and weak Will take beat after beat Just to lay down at your feet And beg for your forgiveness For the quick and meaningless Slurs that slip from my lips The damage that can't be undone tears and rips At the thread holding my smile together But this heart-old and weathered Like used leather Irreparable and yet this tether This tether to you still tugs at the strings That I will pluck as it softly and sweetly sings Out your name-even when it knows it's wrong My heart still knows your song. 

This all started with a string With a little pull I could bring You close to me But somehwere That tether Wore thin And that's where the end begins I know I showed you the side of me That I never wanted you to see And I know you'll never love me again The way you did back then I saw you crying, I saw the tears I saw the fading of all the years Of joy and happiness Because the stress And the wear and tear Was just too much to bear I know I showed you the side of me That I never wanted you to see And I know you'll never love me again The way you did back then And it's okay, I swear Because I know where We lost our way And I could never ask you to stay In tired arms with rope-burned hands From holding onto these last strands I won't hold you back anymore It's time for me to let you go I know I showed you the side of me That I never wanted you to see And I know you'll never love me again The way you did back then

People keep saying "come to Jesus" is that a sign? I can never make up my mind If this is who I really am, or just what comes easy If I slipped into a pattern that is comfortable for me And my whole life I've been asking for him to prove he's real I don't know if some people saying so is enough for me to seal the deal Was I born this way, or was it learned? Is His love for me given, or is it something I have to earn My friend took his life, cracked open the bible and Turned it to a page he believed meant that in the end He would be with God even though he had sinned And I've been wondering ever since If he got through those gates Wondering if even his suicide was part of the fates Design, maybe God called him home early But what if there was nothing, no pearly Gates, was it like coming home Late, just to find that nobody was home No lights were on, nothing but being alone People keep telling me they're praying for me Is this some kind o...

Micro poetry Is not for me I want words that fill pages I want emotions that fill stages With laughter, with pain With joy, and tragedy every now and again I want to write a poem that continues to explain The depth of my struggle-I don't want to know the "right" words, I just want them to flow Out of my soul Like a irver That curves and bends, I want an unrelenting slither Of dirty, wrong, too many words Because there aren't enough to define the hurt I want to babble like a brook Like a crook Who wants to steal your time Making you read rhyme after rhyme For no damn reason except I felt like it- And somehow you will feel better about it Accomplished for reading an entire page For filling an entire stage With words.

It stood before me The future-fleeting Stripping joy from our hearts The art Of leaving Like birds In hurried flight The night Receding into day On my knees begging you to stay In the first awakening of the sun And it's been a long time comin Doors closed, steps taken Hearts broken, faith shaken Yes-the future stood before me And then it left me.

You say you are not damaged Not broken, not hemorrhaged From the pain Your tears do not fall like rain Your breath does not catch When you see me, your thoughts not far fetched Not yearning, they do not stretch They do not harm, they do not want They do not haunt Your every living breath like souls That don't recognize themselves, no holes In your logic, no fault in your words No basis for your sadness, no cradle for your hurt No questions left unanswered, no curtains left to call No day dreaming about what could've been-no dreaming of me at all No love lost when there was none to begin No losers when no one could possibly win And with all that said My head Is still teeming with memories And I wish I was more like you-not lost in my reverie But here I am, still bleeding Still reeling From a stone That was thrown So many years ago... Why don't I know How to let go?