Him

People keep saying "come to Jesus" is that a sign?
I can never make up my mind
If this is who I really am, or just what comes easy
If I slipped into a pattern that is comfortable for me
And my whole life I've been asking for him to prove he's real
I don't know if some people saying so is enough for me to seal the deal
Was I born this way, or was it learned?
Is His love for me given, or is it something I have to earn
My friend took his life, cracked open the bible and
Turned it to a page he believed meant that in the end
He would be with God even though he had sinned
And I've been wondering ever since
If he got through those gates
Wondering if even his suicide was part of the fates
Design, maybe God called him home early
But what if there was nothing, no pearly
Gates, was it like coming home
Late, just to find that nobody was home
No lights were on, nothing but being alone
People keep telling me they're praying for me
Is this some kind of calling, asking me to believe
Or is it just a coincidence in who I befriend
That the people I know believe in an end
That goes somewhere other than into the void
And I've held the church at a distance trying to avoid
The people my family makes fun of, that judge my lifestyle
Pretending they're better than me, all the while
They cast out their own children, if they even hint at a sin
And then they look at me and spit in my direction
They think I'm evil when I try to stay away
But as soon as I walk in the door, they're ready to throw their arms around me and pray
For me, so willing to take me in
That they forgot all the times before they pushed me away for committing sins
That I didn't even know were wrong
I don't want to be a part of something where I feel like I don't belong
How can I be so torn when I know just how I feel?
Is it Him lending out his hand through people I know are real
When I asked Him to show himself, did he answer and I just missed it?
Have I been blocking the idea out for so long that I just didn't listen?
I asked for a sign when I was a little girl because I wanted to have faith
And suddenly when the overwhelming nothingness happened, I thought I'd made a mistake
That I was a silly little girl still trying to believe in fairy tales.
In happy endings, and prince charmings, things that would save me from a hell
Inside my head, that I felt I could never escape
But when I called out to Him he was silent, so he wasn't a hero in a cape
He wasn't a savior to me, he abandoned me when I felt I needed Him most
And he continued to be silent when I begged for help, He was a ghost
To me, floating somewhere high above, this man in the sky
Who had nothing to say when I cried out to Him "Why?"
Why had so many others seemed to find refuge in His heart
And here I was on the outside cast out into the dark.
And maybe these are signs, these people telling me to come to church
Saying they want a better life for me, but I just can't see through the hurt
I wanna believe there is more to life than just what we're given on this Earth
That my story doesn't come to an end in the back of a hearse
I want to know that my life means something more than just this physical being
People keep praying for me, but I'm just not sure what that's supposed to mean
I'm still waiting for the answers, or maybe I'm just being blind
I don't know if I can't see it or if He is hiding, but I still have yet to find
A man in the sky that can save me
So you can love me, preach to me, pray for me
And I appreciate it all the same
I'll thank you, and you can continue to praise His name
But there is no hope for a worthless castaway
There's still a little girl inside me who is too afraid to stay.