Thick Skin

Anybody seen MTV's If You Really Knew Me? This is mine.. If you really knew me, you would know that I grew up without a father He was so lost in his own head that he forgot that I was his daughter If you really knew me you would know that I have scars That deface the perfect image that I was tying to be, but it was too hard You would know that I hug people and tell them I love them all the time Because my mother rarely hugged me or loved me, and it's taken me a long time To open up to people because I feel like they won't accept me for who I am I act like nothing bothers me, and that I'm always happy, but it's a scam I hate looking in the mirror seeing the things I have done to manipulate my smile To make any trace of feeling disappear, it's almost like I'm numb, like I defile The entire definition of human, I feel like I never measure up to standards Everytime I feel like I make progress it feels like I start running backwards My father says he loves me all...

I am disgusted with the word fine It never speaks anything but lies It is a clever front for feeling something real You can never seem to get past it and deal With the real issue that lies just beneath the surface Some common ground would be a great orifice To the inner workings of the emotions that aren’t just a disguise To find a better reason than the word that I despise Let me in past the brick wall that seems to stop me every time I try to help, I want to be there, but I find I am confined To this room where nothing is as it seems And everything of any truth slips into the seams Of my mind and pries apart the spaces Letting that word bounce around until all this place is Is a giant question mark, and I am sitting in the dark To wonder if the finish will keep taking me back to the start Of where nonsense meets bullshit and everything in between Is simply another end to this complicated string Of emotions that have been summed up in that one ridiculous word It is the most foolish th...

Back then it seemed so easy to feel right To let your heart float up into the night But what goes up has to come down, that’s gravity And your heart came crashing down onto me Drenching me in feelings that I wasn’t prepared for Showering me in this blissful downpour God, how I love the rain, but not this time No, this time is different, listen to the high frequency whine In your voice, when I tell you this is wrong I can’t just drown it out with a sad song Music will not simply drape over the sound Of your heart breaking, shattering when it hits the ground I couldn’t catch you, I wasn’t paying attention But I listened closely just to be blown away by the percussion Maybe you’ve never fell so hard, maybe it never hurt this bad But time is a great remedy and eventually you will have had Plenty of chances to let go, and you have to hold on to one Grab hold of change and don’t loosen your grip or it will be gone Floating up into the night, dancing along the path your heart once took It wil...

I thought these nights were far behind me But I was wrong and now everything I can see Is blurry, are these tears running down my face? Not this again, don’t put me back in this place I should have known better, I need to stop listening to my heart My head has so much logic, maybe I should start Tuning into what it has to say Before my heart breaks once more, before its too late And I am drug back into what love has done to me It’s like my oxygen is made of glass, it hurts to breathe I feel like I’m dying inside for the second time I need to stop this crying But it’s a shame that I am so unappealing Maybe I need to figure out what’s wrong with me, before my head starts reeling Because this isn’t healthy, this getting dropped Somebody please help me, this has to be stopped..

I hate you, but I don’t I want to shut you out, but I won’t I want to tell you you didn’t mean anything, but I can’t I want to collapse to my knees, but I stand I want to say it never hurts, but that’s a lie I want to pretend I’m happy, and then I cry I say I’m alive, but sometimes I feel dead I speak words, that should often remain unsaid This moment is blurry, yet it’s clear You are long gone, but you’re still standing here My fingers are crossed, but I am naïve I wanted you to stay, but I needed you to leave I told myself this was coming, but I wasn’t prepared I say you shouldn’t have been, but I was scared I think you made a mistake, but you will never care I hate seeing your picture, and then I seem to stare I don’t want to know how you’re doing, but I have to Something inside me still wonders, though I tell it not to Your touch still lingers on my skin, and I pretend it doesn’t disgust me Your smell is still familiar to me, but I pretend it’s cloudy I know you still love me, but ...

I find I am mocked by eternity I fear it, yet it runs from me I fear a lot of things these days I feel haunted, alone, and unsafe I don’t want to talk to anyone, or exist for that matter I won’t sugar coat it and hand it to you on a silver platter I really don’t want to live this life, meet Virginia I have been shot by irony and stung by karma A bullet in my heart, infecting every vein in my body Spreading like disease throughout me Weaving in and out of numbness and despair Rubbing up against contentment, taunting my repair Tantalizing my every move, cutting my breaths short My lungs are grasping for life as they strain and distort I have to learn how to breathe again, but I am afraid to I want to feel whole again, but I cant seem to I lay awake at night, trying to forget But each memory sparks a new one and I remember why I regret My every move, even as I keep taking step after step As they turn into leaps and bounds, as I stumble and trip I try to retrieve my former self from the sh...

I feel unfinished, I feel partial Like my words would be merely whispers, tender and fragile Like the beating wings of a butterfly Humming, and even the sound of silence bleeds into every sigh Of contentment, or disappointment that I sit here alone Isn’t there an easy fix for my mistakes? A way to atone To recover the tears that the fabric of my shirt has been cradling Like a lost child, begging for comfort from the exposed and ageing World that will return no sympathy, only lessons to learn from I don’t understand its purpose, I just feel the qualm The uneasy feeling that pierces my heart like a stray bullet What amount of pain will end up pushing me to my limit? Hearts can only be repaired so many times, until it remains broken These words are only temporary, no matter how many times they are spoken So if my words are merely whispers, tender and fragile, then listen close To the humming in my voice, to the music that I compose A harmony of all the pain and all of the attempts at heal...

This house is not a home, no matter what people say And what do they know anyway? I don’t even know myself, and I’ve spent my whole life getting to know me How can you people pretend to see my problems when you don’t see I can’t tell where night ends and day begins anymore I can’t find any trace of the person I was before I have lost myself somehow, drowning in a teaspoon of water Suffocating the thought of redemption, chinking my armor It’s only a flesh wound, why is everyone making such a big deal? There’s nothing wrong with feeling pain, it will heal "Nobody’s free, even the birds are chained to the sky" And I am chained here in your box of failures, and I tried To be so perfect that I turned into a mannequin The place in my chest where my heart was once beating is barren I keep digging through my skin looking for blood, but my veins have run dry I keep tearing out my eyes to see emotion, but I have no tears left to cry My eyelids were so heavy that they ripped right off o...

Dreary, grey, and miserable the days roll by like distant clouds The people surrounding me seem to shuffle around in crowds Cornering me until I’m forced into remembrance The No Vacancy sign in my memory states its point as it adores my absence Will my hands always burn with temptation? Will my eyes always favor the color that is crimson? I ask these questions subconsciously as I am a great pretender Hiding behind a mess of lies, trying to clear the clutter Some days, when the passing glances transform to worry When my mannequin state loses its glory Someone will ask the question, "Are you okay" It’s the one that I had been dreading as I wandered through in a daze Empty your tank, flood them with how broken you feel No, repeat over and over "I’m fine" time will heal The scars are dancing around together beneath a cotton mask This smile, it is temporary and as much as I want to believe it will last It is eroding beneath my skin, and I cant keep painting over the hole...

I see you around, the same places I saw you before But it’s different now, I force my eyes to the floor I cant look at you knowing you belong to someone else I can’t feel my heart beat, I have no pulse I am dead without you, there’s no light in my eyes Only a blank expression to hide my demise When I hug you I try to touch you as little as possible Because I know that if I grasp too tightly I will become hopeful The pain is too great then to function, and I become selfish I lock myself down into this darkness to tarnish I long for your voice, just to have you talk to me To understand that you are everything I wanted you to be Perfection lacked a name until I looked at you Why cant you see the love in my eyes like I need you to "Why does the sun go on shining? it’s the end of the world It ended when you said goodbye" I love you and I always will, but I don’t trust you I cant and no matter how much I want to I cant pretend not to love you, God let me let go Please don’t keep me...

This kind of sad doesn’t often go away This kind of sad always seems to stay To linger within us, burning like eternal fire Eat away at us from the inside, all the way down to the wire Till we have nothing left to talk about, no file left to pull To find out what hurts, why the glass never seems half full And we always seem half empty, as if something will always be missing Cursing at the sky because the pain in your head is never ceasing Wash your hands a million times, but they will never be clean There will always be lines, mapping out when you fail and when you succeed Some moments will always hurt, but it is a beauty in life we must remember We fall, we get back up, if you get pushed to your limit, never surrender Raise your dreams up higher and higher so that when you finally reach them The path to finding yourself will have been long and without sweet requiem This kind of sad often doesn’t just go away But I will not let it define me, or how I live my days Because the truth is w...