Thick Skin

You say you are not damaged Not broken, heart not hemorrhaged From the pain Your tears do not fall like rain Your breath does not catch When you see me, your thoughts not farfetched Never yearning for more, they do not stretch They do not harm, they do not want They do not haunt Your every living breath like souls That don't recognize themselves, no holes In your logic, no fault in your words No basis for your sadness, no cradle for your hurt No questions left unanswered, no curtains left to call No day dreaming about what could have been- No dreaming of me at all No love lost when there was none to begin No losers when no one could possibly win And with all that said My head Is still teeming with memories And I wish I was more like you-not lost in my reverie But here I am, still bleeding Still reeling From a stone That was thrown So many years ago... Why don't I know How to let go?

I press the edges of my palms together My heartbeat tethered Between Two fine layers of skin And I cradle an ocean in my hands. Tears rush out like waves Slipping into crevices-little graves Where they reside Soaking into the skin that I've tried To keep dry. And when my hands are full of water My flesh burning hotter With the frustration that I can't manage The pain that I can't bandage I try to stitch it up with words That you've never heard. And I'm tight lipped But the silence ripped Holes in my memory That stretch a canyon deep Remembering everything Is worse than forgetting. I can feel the blood raging Beneath-my veins waging A war with my heart Beating and beating Sowing and reaping I am bruised from within I pay the price for my sin. But nobody can see the pain that I am in Though I want them to Reach out and offer a hand I've made too good a living on a grand Illusion that I display Knowing that I look just okay E...

When people look at me They see Tall and intimidating They see hoop dreams And leather seams A basketball bouncing A loud voice announcing My name They see me playing the game They hear my shoes squeak They feel my emotions peak Sweat drip A toss for the tip That I win A game that begins With me and ends Whether I’m done with it or not They see shoes that I’ve bought Shots that I’ve shot Fade aways Between the legs Baskets made But what about the baskets missed The coaches pissed The dribble off my foot out of bounds All the mighty sounds Of boos, of fe fi fo fum Of ogres and giants and other fun Things, crushing everyone under my thumb But what about the body fat pincher That they jiggle and squeeze to measure Whether I’ve been eating too much And I grab and I clutch For that thread of confidence That I had once As it flutters away With the game that I loved to play It’s as abrupt an ending As any And in the mirr...

In someone else’s story  In someone else’s memory Sometimes we are criminal Sometimes we are the habitual Offenders, the keepers of heart ache The owners of bones that break Trying to support the weight  Of words that were spoken too late Of love that couldn’t bare the hate That two halves become When they decide they are not the one When eyes grow tired and heavy When hearts grow cold and wary When lovers die  And we find We are just shells where holes reside In someone else’s story we hide The truth about ourselves when things don’t go our way In someone else’s story we were asked to stay And we didn’t. And when someone asks questions we forbid it The thought that we may be the very darkness we complain about In the poems we write, in the lyrics we shout In someone else’s story We don’t get to write the history Sometimes the victors don’t Sometimes people won’t Believe What they read And who really wins anyway? We ...

My insecurities are wolves They circle me Constantly Occasionally lurching out to take a piece But never breaking from the pack My fear is but a snack On which they feed And no matter the deed I wish to achieve Whether shallow or steep There they are in the shadows, watching me With hungry eyes and empty stomachs They ravage my mind with sticks And stones These insecurities swallow me when I’m alone They rip and tear, they bully and beat They kick me when I’m down, they know when I am weak They stand proudly with my heart at their feet And they’ll sink their unforgiving teeth Into flesh and souls Taking their tolls Until my pain manifests on me physically Whether I carve up my skin Like an October pumpkin Or I eat all the food that I can manage Until my skin bends and stretches into something I can’t bandage With gauze or an oversized t-shirt Until I flirt With my demons out loud-for everyone to see But I’m afraid of what they’ll think of me. Who I show yo...

The pain is insurmountable This giant obstacle That I don’t know how to overcome And I feel dumb Stupid/obtuse For taking the abuse Instead of leaving it behind like you Everything comes so easy to you Money, success, moving past A love that didn’t last For one of us Just one of us It still stings Burns in my lungs, but it sings When it sees a picture of you And it brings a swell A wave of longing to tell And be told again What I wouldn’t give to remain In a memory For eternity My snow globe lover Doesn’t it bother You just a little? Or is my heart just this brittle Rusted toy- I never meant to annoy You with petty questions Love leaves lesions And emptiness It stings, it burns, it teases But it never actually IS.

You'll never know how much It hurts my feelings as I clutch My chest, trying to slow the rise and fall Of my breath, giving my all To try and get my brain to catch up to my heart "She doesn't want you" it's not fair to cart Around the thoughts that I think Constantly on the brink Of a breakdown And it's all down Hill from here As I type out a message, backspace, the fear Wrapped around me like a blanket And I keep trying but I have to fake it Fake the way I really feel It won't make a difference what I say, the real Trouble is you don't care enough to ask How I've been, and it's such a task To you, I'm such a burden just to know And I can't show What it does to me The agony Of never crossing your mind And there's no common ground I could find That would make it better So I type out a message, backspace, stutter And I put my phone away Cause there is nothing to say And it's not okay But it's the w...

I smiled and I felt my lip split open So long It had gone Without joy that I forgot And I could taste the blood Full of silence Swallow a smile, swallow a couple tears It really makes no difference here In my mind everything stings Rubbing alcohol on open wounds "It won't hurt that bad, I swear" But I can feel my veins collpasing I can feel my heart swell My eyes grow heavy My mind comes alive with questions Why, why, wy Do they all come running Just to round the bases I turn the hot water up in the shower Because the burning of my skin Feels like punishment for my sin And a requiem Of sharp objects There are oceans in my eyes Waging wars with every passing ship To sink, to uproot every anchor To stretch every sail With a heavy gust of wind As I blow away everything that is dear to me Until there is nothing left But the essence of me When you strip away The charming waves Of this deadly sea

On the edge of the ocean you'll find her The valley in front and the river behind her She walks barefoot wherever she goes Got freedom in her soul and sand in her toes She's a gypsy. Everybody loves her she feels like home When you're with her you can never be alone She makes you laugh, makes you smile She'll steal your heart and keep it for a while She's a thief. She takes her time to do what she pleases She'll sit and be still or go where the breeze is She is the sunshine warm on the skin And she's a summer lake you'd be happy to drown in She's an ocean. Deep and wide and full of wonder She will lift you up and take you under And she'll only tell you what she thinks you oughta know If you're lucky enough to know what's below Then you'll see She's a gypsy She's a thief She's an ocean She's a laugh, a smile, a sweet child.

Love can do terrible, awful things Oh the heartache it leaves When nothing ever works out the way it seems It should And I remember standing where you stood Wondering how this person I gave my soul to Could be so mean and I too Was appalled at the things she said And she got into my head With all of these lies That it was my fault-that my mistakes made our demise And it was too big a burden to carry So I cut it out when it got scary How could I throw away The one thing that I wanted to stay And the burden is still much to heavy So I levy It onto the shoulders of others Hoping it bothers Someone else other than me But all it does is create a distance so far I can't even see How bad I've been mistreating The person who is leaving me. I'm blinded by repeat offenders By great pretenders That say they won't be the same That they won't play the game But I've been here before And I know what's in store For us now.

I wish I were translucent That light could penetrate the absent Spaces in my skin I wish I could let the light get in I wish that I said things even when they hurt me I wish so hard that the weight of honesty Outweighed the silence that haunts me But my lungs lose their integrity When you speak And my heart-fickle and weak Will take beat after beat Just to lay down at your feet And beg for your forgiveness For the quick and meaningless Slurs that slip from my lips The damage that can't be undone tears and rips At the thread holding my smile together But this heart-old and weathered Like used leather Irreparable and yet this tether This tether to you still tugs at the strings That I will pluck as it softly and sweetly sings Out your name-even when it knows it's wrong My heart still knows your song. 

This all started with a string With a little pull I could bring You close to me But somehwere That tether Wore thin And that's where the end begins I know I showed you the side of me That I never wanted you to see And I know you'll never love me again The way you did back then I saw you crying, I saw the tears I saw the fading of all the years Of joy and happiness Because the stress And the wear and tear Was just too much to bear I know I showed you the side of me That I never wanted you to see And I know you'll never love me again The way you did back then And it's okay, I swear Because I know where We lost our way And I could never ask you to stay In tired arms with rope-burned hands From holding onto these last strands I won't hold you back anymore It's time for me to let you go I know I showed you the side of me That I never wanted you to see And I know you'll never love me again The way you did back then

People keep saying "come to Jesus" is that a sign? I can never make up my mind If this is who I really am, or just what comes easy If I slipped into a pattern that is comfortable for me And my whole life I've been asking for him to prove he's real I don't know if some people saying so is enough for me to seal the deal Was I born this way, or was it learned? Is His love for me given, or is it something I have to earn My friend took his life, cracked open the bible and Turned it to a page he believed meant that in the end He would be with God even though he had sinned And I've been wondering ever since If he got through those gates Wondering if even his suicide was part of the fates Design, maybe God called him home early But what if there was nothing, no pearly Gates, was it like coming home Late, just to find that nobody was home No lights were on, nothing but being alone People keep telling me they're praying for me Is this some kind o...

Micro poetry Is not for me I want words that fill pages I want emotions that fill stages With laughter, with pain With joy, and tragedy every now and again I want to write a poem that continues to explain The depth of my struggle-I don't want to know the "right" words, I just want them to flow Out of my soul Like a irver That curves and bends, I want an unrelenting slither Of dirty, wrong, too many words Because there aren't enough to define the hurt I want to babble like a brook Like a crook Who wants to steal your time Making you read rhyme after rhyme For no damn reason except I felt like it- And somehow you will feel better about it Accomplished for reading an entire page For filling an entire stage With words.

It stood before me The future-fleeting Stripping joy from our hearts The art Of leaving Like birds In hurried flight The night Receding into day On my knees begging you to stay In the first awakening of the sun And it's been a long time comin Doors closed, steps taken Hearts broken, faith shaken Yes-the future stood before me And then it left me.

You say you are not damaged Not broken, not hemorrhaged From the pain Your tears do not fall like rain Your breath does not catch When you see me, your thoughts not far fetched Not yearning, they do not stretch They do not harm, they do not want They do not haunt Your every living breath like souls That don't recognize themselves, no holes In your logic, no fault in your words No basis for your sadness, no cradle for your hurt No questions left unanswered, no curtains left to call No day dreaming about what could've been-no dreaming of me at all No love lost when there was none to begin No losers when no one could possibly win And with all that said My head Is still teeming with memories And I wish I was more like you-not lost in my reverie But here I am, still bleeding Still reeling From a stone That was thrown So many years ago... Why don't I know How to let go?