Armor?

I’m reduced to nothing.

I knew this would bring

Me to my knees

And here I am

With my head in my hands

Wondering how I got so lost

Here I am paying the cost

For what I’ve done

And there is no one

Who can comfort me now

No words to soften the blow

Just this pillow

That will catch my tears

After years

Of doing just enough

To shake off the dust

And survive

Never feeling quite alive

Just dragging my feet

Through rain and sleet

Through my world shaded grey

And I can’t ask you to stay

When I’m not your home

Can not persuade you through this phone

I want to beg you not to leave me alone

Not because I can’t be

But because I want you with me

And the worst part is knowing

That you want it too-showing

Me, telling me every day that you want to be near

That you want to hear

What I have to say

And my hands are shaking

Every part of me is aching

I want to rip my heart from its cage

So it stops hurting-I want to rage

Against my mind

For letting me think your heart was mine

To keep. 

I already mourn the sleep

That I won’t get

The way that I’ll fret

Over this

The way I’ll pretend and insist

That I’ll get over this.

The timing was bad

Now we’re both sad

And timing will be

What kept you from me

And timing will be what I need

To overcome this feeling

I fucking hate time

How could I let those walls down?

After years of hearing the sound

Of people leaving, of things ending

How have I been the reason for my own upending?

I took my armor off

Cause I was feeling tough

Well look at me now.

Ask myself how

I got here

Ask myself why I didn’t feel fear

Until this moment

You were never mine to lose and I know it

But I’m sitting here kicking myself again

For putting myself in this position.

I could be mad at you but I know better

I’m not a quitter

And I won’t be this time either.