Thick Skin

Everything these days lacks its luster Trying to find another minute to fluster Among the living, and the barely ever there Blank expressions constantly polluting the air Every time I watch you walk away I die a little more inside I keep waiting for my lungs and oxygen to collide But I hold my breath, I wait for a moment When I have the strength to catch it I don’t want to breathe another breath without you But I don’t get that choice, I’m forced to do without you That song comes on the radio, and my heart starts to sing Dancing in and out of this endless ring This circle that I walk along, waiting or hoping you’ll come back Wanting to believe you’ll return to me and break this heart attack I don’t know why I still wait, when you don’t want me anymore But I rot in my stupidity, in my so called love that I once adored I am too crossed to understand where I go from here Do I stay and wait or do I stray and try to appear Like my heart is in one piece, and I’ll be just fine I cant, I have ...

Beauty is masked by pain, I guess I always knew But when you’re young you try to avoid the truth Being naïve can be such a blessing, until it’s time to flip the hour glass And your whole world is raining down on you, and you just wait for the time to pass Swimming your way through the sands of time Listening to yourself scream, and yet that moment feels so sublime When the frame of your fingers holds that moment still Close your eyes and make a wish, cause it’s hard to know what’s real When my reflection turns into a photograph and I’ve lost my innocence Lost my childhood, lost my way, and now I am seeking guidance From whoever would like to point me in the direction I need to go To find what is missing, so I can save my soul I’m not sure what I miss more, reality or imagination My ability to dream, or my ability to function Do my eyes deceive me? Or have years passed by me without notice Is it just me, or did you go back on your promise? The blonde little girl in my pictures is so bli...

Today I found myself consumed by my ambivalence Lost within my mind, and yet lost in its absence No thought to appease my insanity No action to satisfy my vanity You get one life, you get your choices You can’t talk your way out of it, no matter how many voices Speak up to fight for it to be different You can yell and you can scream, but there’s no reset I remember hearing my heart beat, in the still of the night Dreaming of slow and steady waiting for the insight That will tell me all the secrets that I have been hording Hitting play and rewind like a worn out recording No one really cares about anyone but themselves They tuck feelings away like they put old books up on the shelves Collecting dust, never even touched, never given a chance to feel To be held in someone’s arms, to be given a chance to heal Time leaves wrinkles, and eventually we all break Some of us can’t help but be defined by our mistakes

My hands coasting through the breeze Laughing at the world between the trees A blur of colors, an array of life Remind me why I am here, remind me why I try Cruising along yellow lines, that seem to twist like we do Winding roads and sunset skies, tell us why we seem to Forget the little things that always seem to mean the most Minutes like these ones, so perfect, and then again, haunting like a ghost Floating amongst the living, as they glare at our imperfections And we realize that we were right all along, we just got lost in common misconceptions It’s the oranges and the reds and the yellows that bleed into our skin As today creeps behind the horizon, and tomorrow sets in And the yesterdays that seemed to burn, no longer have control The smiles and the laughter that we express now seems to console Us, and make us believe in something more Than the pain and the suffering that we felt before The time keeps adding numbers on to the tally in my mind Counting how many times I get lost in...

I picked up my hands and rested them on these keys Awaiting the inspiration for my tragic symphonies As I pounded my thoughts onto a canvas of white My fingers dancing along, so contrite As they couldn’t seem to step along like they used to Tired of repeating the same sad songs they always do But this music, this eerie tune that has been created Has defined me, and my hands, as they are jaded From pushing down on the keyboard, like gravity has been pushing down on me Finding that my fingers have been doing all the work, as they gently Peruse through the most inner workings of my delicate heart Pulling on the strings, trying to jumpstart This beating, the one that I have been taking while my heart tried to recover From the emptiness that it feels, as it hides beneath the covers Like a child, afraid of the darkness, or what lies within it And the possibilities are never ending, they are infinite Pieces of the imagination, but what if that’s all they are and ever were? What if this is all...

People say it’s impolite to pry, but maybe that’s all I ever needed Someone to care just enough, or not enough to feed On the things that have been eating away at me from the inside out Tear apart my insides, dissect the pieces that are about To swell and have me burst completely into thousands of smaller parts Shards of painful pieces that have been putting pressure on the hearts Of everyone around me, as I can’t find a way to cope The razor never sharp enough, the paper never gave me the hope That I needed to carry through this with a sense of fulfillment I don’t want this, I wish I could be anyone else, to have just a hint Of what it’s like to not hurt like this, to not want to cut each breath short Cutting up old pictures and rearranging them to make them fit, to distort An image that everyone else seems to think is okay, fool them Or assure them that nothing has ever been wrong, but then This, this floods over me, I wish I knew what to call it, I wish it had a name I wish I had al...

Bones break Hearts ache People remain the same Even when you beg for change You can't always get what you want, or what you need You just try not to get eaten alive in the feed of everyday life, the last one on the chopping block The smallest hand on the clock Spinning in circles to make yourself dizzy and fall Always falling, like leaves, floating gently toward the ground Drifting through the motions, drowning out the sounds Of summer, anticipating what would become of it all Wondering how you didn't see it coming, or why you let it go so far And now, when you are left with nothing but your thoughts Your mind wallows in its own self pity until it rots From trying to think of reasons Why somewhere between the seasons you lost what you wanted And you feel like you've been taken for granted Somewhere along the way so what am I supposed to say? Now that you want to love someone other than me So this is where I get over it right? Please, let me be.

You want to leave me alone, but that’s not what I wanted It never was, and I am haunted By the fact that I can see your hand and not hold it See those lips and not kiss you, it Kills me to look in those eyes knowing that they are looking at someone else The way you once looked at me, I don’t want to be by myself But I don’t want to be around you It should be no surprise that I can’t stand you Because you and I should be together Don’t you feel the same? When you look at me? Oh, that’s right, you never Really felt the same, typical, I should be used to this Looking at the same person that continues breaking my heart Even though you’re not mine, this is like an art That I have perfected, being broken, acting like I’m not This is what you wanted, is it not? For me to pretend that everything is fine and that I’m happy You can’t ask for that, not this time, not from me I hate pretending that this doesn’t hurt like hell I hate the way you avoid my eyes, and well I hate you a little, and then...

I'm breaking my normal poetry format, I have to get this out and it has to be raw. Why do I not have any confidence? You keep asking me..it's not a matter of not having confidence, because I do have confidence. You just didn't pay attention enough, I feel as if you don't know me at all. Every conversation we ever had, I felt like I was more enaged in knowing you than you were me. It was no surprise when you wanted to leave me, I saw it coming. More than anything I was just pissed that I gave so much and didn't get shit in return. It always seems to end that way for me, and when I say nothing, I don't mean materialistic things like stuff you have to pay money for. Sure, it was fun, an I love your family and everything that you have done either with me or for me. But what I don't understand is why now that you have found somebody else you have to post all this stupid shit like "you are my only exception" and "everyday with you is the best day ev...

It all seems so hard at this point I know But it only gets better from here, so don't Let this beat you, don't let it affect you This is the calm before the storm, nothing left to do But brace yourself for what is next, cause it's going to hurt But if you are ready, if you believe in happiness so much then comfort Yourself, shelter yourself from this pain Let this moment bounce off of you, don't allow it to remain Deep inside you and eat you alive It's not worth the time That you spend trying to forget, when you should be trying to remember All of the good times, the smiles, and the things that were so much better Than this, right here, right now Only time will tell you how This will be okay, I can't do it, I can only be a voice of reason Try and comfort you and help you get through the season Of broken hearts, soft tears, and empty rooms One day, those places deep inside will fell empty, but soon They will be filled again by the memories that were always there ...

It's all the same Nothing but one big game Trying to get your points in before the final buzzer Watching seconds fall off the clock, you feel your heart beat shudder Adrenaline drowns out reason every now and again But nothing really matters until the end When you look back on the moments when you shined How you treated the people around you, when everything fell in line With what you hoped for and you've dreamed of When your heart is in the right place, when you were down or you were up And every time you got knocked down, you got back up When helping hands reached out to support you and assist you through your journey When you realized it was more important to turn "I" into "We" When you look back, appreciate the things that you were given The blood, the sweat, the tear that you have shed while you've been livin' This life is nothing more than one big game Whether you feel like you accomplished something ion the end or not, it's all the same Yo...

You love someone, so fight for that But how do you fight for someone that doesnt want you back How do you convince them that you are good enough? Why did they leave you the first time, it's so tough To get an answer, when you're not even sure of the question What do you ask them, tell them, it's hard to digest them When they hit you with reasons Bruise you with honesty, and leave lesions On your heart where they have burned you with laughter And seered your mind with troubled thoughts that soon after Will send you into a spiral, only to recycle you back through the system To start over, ask the same questions, reword phrases so maybe they will get them Into their heads, so maybe they can see what they once did in you And figure out why the image the had upheld of you Has faded and even though you want to be angry that they left You can't, because you have to be sweet to pass the test Bitterness will only clutter your path with trouble But shouldn't you feel hurt? Sh...

Remember with your body pressed firmly on top of mine And it seemed that at that moment that all of time Had found its way into your bed next to us as we lay in a warm embrace Loving every breath, and the thrill as we chased Each others lips back and forth after sighs so content After smiles that had sent Shivers down my spine, and love into my heart Warmth into the night and life back to the stars The moments when I made you laugh, and you turned and looked at me With happiness in those haunting blue eyes that always seemed Like they could save me from my doubt And when they did yours remained like a heavy cloud Drifting over us, bringing this downpour Of warm summer rain, as I lost you in the midst of the storm And now I try to catch the memories as they are torn from my hands with the wind And my heart is ripped from my chest where I thought the skin Had been replaced, sewed up, and mended by you and your loving words But how quickly time changes, as it withdraws from the covers Sli...

I think I am destined to be alone To live a life of loneliness, painfully in a tone So drenched in black and white That no color ever breaks the mold, no sight Of beauty, or anything pure Cause I am trapped with myself here Me and the tree of the dead Trying not to lose myself, or my head In an endless tangled mess of a life in misery I stay quiet too often, perhaps it is the downfall of me Or perhaps it is the beatings I have taken from love That leave me hard and cold, and so full of Defensive tactics to keep myself locked in Never open up enough to let someone in No, not again, not ever again can I let Someone pry me open, snuggle in, and then regret it Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me I guess I've learned my lesson, so I'm going to let it be Make like the beatles and set my heart free From the cage in my chest And lay my head down to rest In a world where love does not exist Or that's what I have to tell myself, to insist That I am not the reason tha...

The wind is at my back, there is fight in my heart There’s right in my wrong, and finish in my start My head is backwards, my mind at my feet My insanity is perpetual, yet far from complete My struggle is one for self, and for feeling whole Returning the smiles I gave, and the ones I stole I’m uncertain what it is that I am waiting for But I have a feeling I have some discovering in store I went and sat under the tree of life And the shadow of it’s branches sheltered my mind I went thoughtless if only for a moment I knew that my heart was blank, and I owned it No words flooded my head and spilled out of my mouth It became clear what this wrinkle in time was about Revelation and renewal pried open my chest Tore open my ribcage and devoured the rest Replaced all of my stubbornness with imagination Took away my innocence and cursed me with damnation My eyes see negative, the opposite of what should be And I think different than most, but on the contrary I blend in with the blurry faces th...

Tempers flare, and it’s back again This evil that I can’t defend Myself from, and it haunts me now in the still of the night When I thought today was a good one, I thought I was right Oh, but wrong again, always wrong am I For believing that there is such a thing as peace Maybe someday there will be, but please Until I find it, save me from this, from my hell I can’t take the yelling, the anger that seems to tell Me that this will never end, and I will never be left To figure out myself, because I will always feel like a theft Of the heart has been committed, you don’t see how you break me You don’t see how tortured my soul is, you don’t want to see I fear you never will, oh how I wish you could love How I wish you weren’t so hard, or so absent, or so hurt, or all of the above I just want calm and collected, is that so much to ask for I just want someone to notice that I have never picked myself up from the floor Still lying where you left me last time things got tough for you How I wi...

I’m broken when I’m open I show vulnerability and I shatter, but listen Cause I am screaming out for substance For something to hold on to, some resistance From the painful memories and the heart break That I have suffered, I just need to take a step backAnd look deeper into these words I’ve written so many that it’s all a blur They just keep bleeding into me, and I can’t erase them I see them on my skin, but you don’t see them They are always there to haunt me, they are so much more Than what is visible, for they have taken hold of most of me For as long as I can remember, but I want to set it free Let go of the lies, the pain and the compromise That I have lived with my entire life I wake up screaming on the nights when my brain Flushes out the covers that I use to block out the pain These memories can’t really keep me captive forever…can they? I wish I could turn around, leave, walk away But someday I know I have to face it, I will have to speak But I am so lost, so confused, becomi...

The tension that used to follow me like a shadow has disappeared And all of the words that I had feared Every minute of every day Fell at my feet and turned to dust and the wind carried them away Swirling amongst the gentle breeze that used to push me around Something that was once so ugly and twisted is beginning to astound Me with it's beauty and its grace as it caressed my cheek Wiped the tear from my eye, made me weak At the knees, the pressure on my chest drifted off of me and crashed to the ground Like broken glass, but it didn't cut me this time, I simply looked down And saw that it reflected a new beginning, a different perspective A step in the right direction, giving me a new motive To breathe easy, to let go of all the secrets that I have kept locked inside For all of these years, waiting for refuge for fresh insight On life, I think I found it, I think I am doing something that will help me Get better, help me be happy with myself and my life, because you see You ha...

We fall down hard, onto each other Our chests rising and falling together As we try to catch our breath you whisper I love you still rings in my ears, you are the keeper Of my heart, you own my emotion When I look at you I get the notion That I have never fallen so fast or so hard Your name is scarred into the skin of my heart There is a part of me now that will always belong to you A part that will only ever exist with you Just breathe into me, tell me everything you want to say You are like air to my lungs, like the sun to the day Without you there is nothing to light up the darkness And to live in a world without you would be like living in blindness Never seeing beauty or the perfections that do still exist Never feeling butterflies, like the ones I get when we kiss If you would wrap your hand around mine for just a second I will never let you go, my love for you will never be weakened So fall hard onto me, and I promise I will be there to catch you Let go of fear, hold fast to my ...

There is a sadness in your eyes That often times will tantalize My thoughts with questions that remain unanswered Mostly because I can't ask them, so they are squandered Tossed away to the bottom of the bin To a place where I will just unravel them and read them again Asking why those blue eyes of yours have a shadow in the light Why there's a presence there, a ghost that holds so tight To the innocence inside of them, I wish I could see deeper I wish that I could heal, open up your eyes and see her See that young girl that still hides in the dark That poor soul that seems to be slowly falling apart Weeping amongst the painful memories that linger above like clouds I wish that I would have been there, could have pulled you out Of the misery that seems to haunt you even now Oh how the past can latch on like leaches, and somehow Keep us sucked dry, so we can never hurt again But the numbness that you feel, the emptiness is sometimes worse than the pain I see the innocence, the in...

I am an artist with a blade I am a heartbeat with a fade I paint dismay across the canvas of my skin And beauty is existent amongst the evil of my sin I have healed on the outside, but something somewhere still burns Some part of me still aches and my head is taking turns Arguing with myself, telling me I'm better and that I'm worse And who am I kidding, maybe this is just my curse Perhaps I will be forever haunted by the story on my arm Or maybe because I brought it outside myself I will be forever safe from the harm That often beat on the door of my heart, begging to let it bleed out Begging for salvation, for words to be spoken that I could never begin to talk about Maybe I will always ask the same questions as I am trying to get to know me again Oh, but when will I find the girl that I have left behind..when? Maybe the answer I have been looking for is never Maybe I just have to renew my past, hit refresh and everything will be better..

If only you knew the secret that lies upon my lip If only you could see the beautiful script Hidden just beneath the surface of what is real I want to tell you, but my lips must stay sealed Because no one must know the weapon that I wield Each three beats my heart sings I love you And it does, but in between each beat is a blue Soft, sweet sadness that rings in my ears each time your lips meet mine And it kills me, but I want to feel better than just fine About loving you. You say you love the secret that lingers on my lips But you can't see the secret in which it encrypts

Anybody seen MTV's If You Really Knew Me? This is mine.. If you really knew me, you would know that I grew up without a father He was so lost in his own head that he forgot that I was his daughter If you really knew me you would know that I have scars That deface the perfect image that I was tying to be, but it was too hard You would know that I hug people and tell them I love them all the time Because my mother rarely hugged me or loved me, and it's taken me a long time To open up to people because I feel like they won't accept me for who I am I act like nothing bothers me, and that I'm always happy, but it's a scam I hate looking in the mirror seeing the things I have done to manipulate my smile To make any trace of feeling disappear, it's almost like I'm numb, like I defile The entire definition of human, I feel like I never measure up to standards Everytime I feel like I make progress it feels like I start running backwards My father says he loves me all...

I am disgusted with the word fine It never speaks anything but lies It is a clever front for feeling something real You can never seem to get past it and deal With the real issue that lies just beneath the surface Some common ground would be a great orifice To the inner workings of the emotions that aren’t just a disguise To find a better reason than the word that I despise Let me in past the brick wall that seems to stop me every time I try to help, I want to be there, but I find I am confined To this room where nothing is as it seems And everything of any truth slips into the seams Of my mind and pries apart the spaces Letting that word bounce around until all this place is Is a giant question mark, and I am sitting in the dark To wonder if the finish will keep taking me back to the start Of where nonsense meets bullshit and everything in between Is simply another end to this complicated string Of emotions that have been summed up in that one ridiculous word It is the most foolish th...

Back then it seemed so easy to feel right To let your heart float up into the night But what goes up has to come down, that’s gravity And your heart came crashing down onto me Drenching me in feelings that I wasn’t prepared for Showering me in this blissful downpour God, how I love the rain, but not this time No, this time is different, listen to the high frequency whine In your voice, when I tell you this is wrong I can’t just drown it out with a sad song Music will not simply drape over the sound Of your heart breaking, shattering when it hits the ground I couldn’t catch you, I wasn’t paying attention But I listened closely just to be blown away by the percussion Maybe you’ve never fell so hard, maybe it never hurt this bad But time is a great remedy and eventually you will have had Plenty of chances to let go, and you have to hold on to one Grab hold of change and don’t loosen your grip or it will be gone Floating up into the night, dancing along the path your heart once took It wil...

I thought these nights were far behind me But I was wrong and now everything I can see Is blurry, are these tears running down my face? Not this again, don’t put me back in this place I should have known better, I need to stop listening to my heart My head has so much logic, maybe I should start Tuning into what it has to say Before my heart breaks once more, before its too late And I am drug back into what love has done to me It’s like my oxygen is made of glass, it hurts to breathe I feel like I’m dying inside for the second time I need to stop this crying But it’s a shame that I am so unappealing Maybe I need to figure out what’s wrong with me, before my head starts reeling Because this isn’t healthy, this getting dropped Somebody please help me, this has to be stopped..

I hate you, but I don’t I want to shut you out, but I won’t I want to tell you you didn’t mean anything, but I can’t I want to collapse to my knees, but I stand I want to say it never hurts, but that’s a lie I want to pretend I’m happy, and then I cry I say I’m alive, but sometimes I feel dead I speak words, that should often remain unsaid This moment is blurry, yet it’s clear You are long gone, but you’re still standing here My fingers are crossed, but I am naïve I wanted you to stay, but I needed you to leave I told myself this was coming, but I wasn’t prepared I say you shouldn’t have been, but I was scared I think you made a mistake, but you will never care I hate seeing your picture, and then I seem to stare I don’t want to know how you’re doing, but I have to Something inside me still wonders, though I tell it not to Your touch still lingers on my skin, and I pretend it doesn’t disgust me Your smell is still familiar to me, but I pretend it’s cloudy I know you still love me, but ...

I find I am mocked by eternity I fear it, yet it runs from me I fear a lot of things these days I feel haunted, alone, and unsafe I don’t want to talk to anyone, or exist for that matter I won’t sugar coat it and hand it to you on a silver platter I really don’t want to live this life, meet Virginia I have been shot by irony and stung by karma A bullet in my heart, infecting every vein in my body Spreading like disease throughout me Weaving in and out of numbness and despair Rubbing up against contentment, taunting my repair Tantalizing my every move, cutting my breaths short My lungs are grasping for life as they strain and distort I have to learn how to breathe again, but I am afraid to I want to feel whole again, but I cant seem to I lay awake at night, trying to forget But each memory sparks a new one and I remember why I regret My every move, even as I keep taking step after step As they turn into leaps and bounds, as I stumble and trip I try to retrieve my former self from the sh...

I feel unfinished, I feel partial Like my words would be merely whispers, tender and fragile Like the beating wings of a butterfly Humming, and even the sound of silence bleeds into every sigh Of contentment, or disappointment that I sit here alone Isn’t there an easy fix for my mistakes? A way to atone To recover the tears that the fabric of my shirt has been cradling Like a lost child, begging for comfort from the exposed and ageing World that will return no sympathy, only lessons to learn from I don’t understand its purpose, I just feel the qualm The uneasy feeling that pierces my heart like a stray bullet What amount of pain will end up pushing me to my limit? Hearts can only be repaired so many times, until it remains broken These words are only temporary, no matter how many times they are spoken So if my words are merely whispers, tender and fragile, then listen close To the humming in my voice, to the music that I compose A harmony of all the pain and all of the attempts at heal...

This house is not a home, no matter what people say And what do they know anyway? I don’t even know myself, and I’ve spent my whole life getting to know me How can you people pretend to see my problems when you don’t see I can’t tell where night ends and day begins anymore I can’t find any trace of the person I was before I have lost myself somehow, drowning in a teaspoon of water Suffocating the thought of redemption, chinking my armor It’s only a flesh wound, why is everyone making such a big deal? There’s nothing wrong with feeling pain, it will heal "Nobody’s free, even the birds are chained to the sky" And I am chained here in your box of failures, and I tried To be so perfect that I turned into a mannequin The place in my chest where my heart was once beating is barren I keep digging through my skin looking for blood, but my veins have run dry I keep tearing out my eyes to see emotion, but I have no tears left to cry My eyelids were so heavy that they ripped right off o...

Dreary, grey, and miserable the days roll by like distant clouds The people surrounding me seem to shuffle around in crowds Cornering me until I’m forced into remembrance The No Vacancy sign in my memory states its point as it adores my absence Will my hands always burn with temptation? Will my eyes always favor the color that is crimson? I ask these questions subconsciously as I am a great pretender Hiding behind a mess of lies, trying to clear the clutter Some days, when the passing glances transform to worry When my mannequin state loses its glory Someone will ask the question, "Are you okay" It’s the one that I had been dreading as I wandered through in a daze Empty your tank, flood them with how broken you feel No, repeat over and over "I’m fine" time will heal The scars are dancing around together beneath a cotton mask This smile, it is temporary and as much as I want to believe it will last It is eroding beneath my skin, and I cant keep painting over the hole...

I see you around, the same places I saw you before But it’s different now, I force my eyes to the floor I cant look at you knowing you belong to someone else I can’t feel my heart beat, I have no pulse I am dead without you, there’s no light in my eyes Only a blank expression to hide my demise When I hug you I try to touch you as little as possible Because I know that if I grasp too tightly I will become hopeful The pain is too great then to function, and I become selfish I lock myself down into this darkness to tarnish I long for your voice, just to have you talk to me To understand that you are everything I wanted you to be Perfection lacked a name until I looked at you Why cant you see the love in my eyes like I need you to "Why does the sun go on shining? it’s the end of the world It ended when you said goodbye" I love you and I always will, but I don’t trust you I cant and no matter how much I want to I cant pretend not to love you, God let me let go Please don’t keep me...

This kind of sad doesn’t often go away This kind of sad always seems to stay To linger within us, burning like eternal fire Eat away at us from the inside, all the way down to the wire Till we have nothing left to talk about, no file left to pull To find out what hurts, why the glass never seems half full And we always seem half empty, as if something will always be missing Cursing at the sky because the pain in your head is never ceasing Wash your hands a million times, but they will never be clean There will always be lines, mapping out when you fail and when you succeed Some moments will always hurt, but it is a beauty in life we must remember We fall, we get back up, if you get pushed to your limit, never surrender Raise your dreams up higher and higher so that when you finally reach them The path to finding yourself will have been long and without sweet requiem This kind of sad often doesn’t just go away But I will not let it define me, or how I live my days Because the truth is w...